Emancipating My Mind


I’m tired now

I’m so tired of this farce

Created in my own mind with my heart as its accomplice.
I dream of you, imagine being with you
In a world where we are one.

You are the guy that every woman like me dreams off

Safe, manly, kind
Like a bear hug that makes it all better

Funny, silly, responsible
A pleasant contradiction

A jerk, annoying, loving
Leaving me wanting to strangle you and curl up in your arms at the same time

But it’s that mind and heart playing tricks again, lulling me into the fantasy which I want to hold onto just for a moment longer.

And I snap out of it and continue to be your friend.

Your friend

And in your moment of loneliness you reach out and caress this longing

And every pep talk and lecture on reality I’ve tried to brainwash myself with flies out the window and I am like an addict taking anything I can get.

But I’m tired now, those bursts of moments where every part of me comes alive aren’t enough. I need more. I want more and you are oblivious to all of it.

You are my friend
With bursts of deceptive love.

And I am in love with you
Everyday, all day

But I’m tired

It’s gnawing away at my heart
It’s a stab wound to the heart every time I hear about you and her or her or her or her or her and rationality has gone out the window and I’m left feeling psychotic because of every thought that enters my mind and shatters my heart.

I’m tired now and my heart and mind must stop!


I found you

When you sat down next to me, I was surprised by you, you were nothing that I expected but there was this frisson in this new found surprise.

I looked at you and somehow knew that you felt it too. Amongst the crowd, we kept finding each other, words unnecessary. It was enough just to be close by.

It was only after that I realised that I looked my worst, unwashed travel weary face, disheveled clothes from a 24 hour journey, all forgotten when you didn’t notice any of it.

I noticed you change the plans and knew you changed them for me and it confirmed what I felt. When you sat down next to me at dinner, my heart stopped for this moment and you smiled, almost as if you knew. Everyone and everything seized to exist.

All the exhaustion I felt disappeared as we talked till the wee hours of the morning. We knew we were avoiding the inevitable. I was pushing the thought aside, wanting to be denial, silently begging to never have to hear the truth.

You belong to someone else. I will never be the woman who ignores that and you will never be the man who betrays. So we, we will continue to pretend.

We are friends
We are colleagues
We share no connection


I want…

I want to call you baby

And lean over and rest my forehead on your chest

And you bend forward planting a kiss on my head…

I want to call you mine

And whisper sweet nothings in your ears

And hear you laugh, that manic giggle that makes my heart sing

I want to tell you how much I love you

And I want to see it mirrored in your soul.

Instead,

I sit here in front of you

Smile plastered on my face

Encouraging words falling out of my mouth

Listening to you talk about your dreams,

Dreams that have no place for me

And still…

I want you


Travelling through time

I found this in my drafts from December 2010, I can’t remember what was happening in my world at the time but some things, years on, still resonate.

I want to lose myself in your streets,

walking through the bazaars

hawkers selling ful and felafel

the smell dancing on the breeze

dark eyes looking at me

smiles and whispered secrets

i’m so tempted to flirt back

Ah, the old people who have lived history

if only the language was not a barrier

maybe it’s not, their eyes tell me a story

let’s sit in this cafe and share a cup of tea,

we don’t need words when we are stitched together by humanity.

Back to the hotel, a glimpse of  reality

anxious to get out again and live

kohl rimmed eyes, wanting to imitate, wanting to belong

the belly dancers jingle beckons

simple food that tastes like manna

stolen glances, shy smiles, eyes concealed by black eyelashes, enticing curiosity

the first deep breath, double apple and mint,awakening your senses

the beat of the drum lifts you up, your body moves to the beat

closer, smoke and perfume, intoxicating,

the mind, heart and body duel, who will win?


Offspring

I was browsing through my newsfeed and an article on fetal cells caught my eye. Basically, babies transfer cells to their mothers through the placenta ad these cells stay with the mother, and has lots of benefits like helping her fight disease. (Short version)

It got me thinking, God chose for me to not have kids.

I know that at the best of times, I’m skeptical about having them but it felt quite different thinking of it like that.

There was a part of me that became sad to think that maybe God, for whatever reason, doesn’t want me to have kids.

I’m a big believer in naseeb and taqdeer. That’s one of the things that come with not having a husband, no kids.

And this is Gods plan for me, Subhanallah.


I accept

I accept

That Him and I were not meant to be

In my waking moments, conscious

But

Deep inside

Every moment without

Him

Feels like

My womb being ripped out with cold gnarly sharp fingers, bloody

Never to be the same

Again

Forever altered

I accept

That him and I were never meant to be


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What will become of us

I’m surrounded by single woman. Woman not single by choice but by fates cast of the dice.

Newsfeeds are inundated with opinions, articles, lectures, all searching for the answer to this drought in the marriage season.

That’s all well and good. No one seems closer to any answers. So where does that leave us?

All the single ladies.

In this day and age, woman are well capable of taking care of themselves. They have careers and earn their own money and in most cases are financially independent.

But…

Humans by nature need love, they need affection, they were created to want to mate, to need companionship.

Where do we get that from?

Sure, our families love us, so do our friends but is that enough?

It isn’t.

Society, families and friends, well meaning or not, make us feel like we are failures, for not being chosen to be someone’s forever after. More importantly, we make ourselves feel worthless as the years start to go by and the prospects get fewer and fewer.

It leaves us having to put on a mask when facing these people to protect an already bruised ego and lonely heart.

Where do we single Muslim women go to for physical affection?

Sometimes, all you need is a hug and there’s only so many times a hug from your dad can make it all better. And what of those who don’t have dads or whose fathers aren’t the hugging types?

It’s haram to touch your guy friends. And let’s face it, a hug from your female friends doesn’t always cut it.

Where does that leave us?

Starved of love and companionship and starved of physical affection.

God in his infinite wisdom did create us male and female for a reason.

How do we find that sense of completion without the opposite sex?

Is it possible?

I don’t think that we can get people married, it’s unrealistic and hasn’t worked so far.

So what can we, as families and friends and communities do, to heal the hearts of our single sisters?


Courage & Fear

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I’m not so sure about this.

I find it difficult to ask for things. It’s even harder to ask for things that I really want.

Part of that is the way I was raised but I think some of it is fear of rejection? Maybe?

Fear dictates so much of our lives, even when we don’t realize it.

Does fear dictate your actions?


On old age

He sits across the room in a wheelchair

His eyes are windows to 84 years

Love
War
Happiness
Joy
Hurt
Pain

It all reflects in those watery not so blue pools.

He catches my eye

He smiles and it transforms him to the young man he once was.

And in him, I see my reflection.

He was once me

I will be him

We must all travel the same path


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