Emancipating My Mind

We’re meant to mourn the dead

We’re meant to mourn the dead

Not the breathing, not the living

But what’s the difference between you and a corpse

Your mute silhouette on your perfunctory visits?

They do nothing but rip open the wound

She becomes a marionette, playing happy in the hope that your living corpse comes alive and returns to her

He sits in silence, as if he’s shut mouth will contain the breaking of his heart.

We’ve meant to mourn the dead

Not the living, not the breathing

We pretend

We lie to each other

We tell each other you give a fucking shit

For admitting the truth will kill them

And you won’t even mourn their dead corpses


Every thought bubble of your existence


Every crisis, real or perceived, you experience


Every thing or every one you can’t figure out


Every pain you feel


Every exchange you have


Every emotion you feel


Every time you feel lonely


Every time you are scared


Every time you are sad


Every time you don’t know what to do








My mamma told me to walk away
To stop
The pain will stop
Walk away
And I did
The pain doesn’t stop
But self respect returns
Embalming my heart
Giving me hope that the pain will stop

I’m tired now

I’m so tired of this farce

Created in my own mind with my heart as its accomplice.
I dream of you, imagine being with you
In a world where we are one.

You are the guy that every woman dreams off

Safe, manly, kind
Like a bear hug that makes it all better

Funny, silly, responsible
A pleasant contradiction

A jerk, annoying, loving
Leaving me wanting to strangle you and curl up in your arms at the same time

But it’s that mind and heart playing tricks again, lulling me into the fantasy which I want to hold onto just for a moment longer.

And I snap out of it and continue to be your friend.

Your friend

And in your moment of loneliness you reach out and caress this longing

And every pep talk and lecture on reality I’ve tried to brainwash myself with flies out the window and I am like an addict taking anything I can get.

But I’m tired now, those bursts of moments where every part of me comes alive aren’t enough. I need more. I want more and you are oblivious to all of it.

You are my friend
With bursts of deceptive love.

And I am in love with you
Everyday, all day

But I’m tired

It’s gnawing away at my heart
It’s a stab wound to the heart every time I hear about you and her or her or her or her or her and rationality has gone out the window and I’m left feeling psychotic because of every thought that enters my mind and shatters my heart.

I’m tired now and my heart and mind must stop!

I found you

When you sat down next to me, I was surprised by you, you were nothing that I expected but there was this frisson in this new found surprise.

I looked at you and somehow knew that you felt it too. Amongst the crowd, we kept finding each other, words unnecessary. It was enough just to be close by.

It was only after that I realised that I looked my worst, unwashed travel weary face, disheveled clothes from a 24 hour journey, all forgotten when you didn’t notice any of it.

I noticed you change the plans and knew you changed them for me and it confirmed what I felt. When you sat down next to me at dinner, my heart stopped for this moment and you smiled, almost as if you knew. Everyone and everything seized to exist.

All the exhaustion I felt disappeared as we talked till the wee hours of the morning. We knew we were avoiding the inevitable. I was pushing the thought aside, wanting to be denial, silently begging to never have to hear the truth.

You belong to someone else. I will never be the woman who ignores that and you will never be the man who betrays. So we, we will continue to pretend.

We are friends
We are colleagues
We share no connection

I want…

I want to call you baby

And lean over and rest my forehead on your chest

And you bend forward planting a kiss on my head…

I want to call you mine

And whisper sweet nothings in your ears

And hear you laugh, that manic giggle that makes my heart sing

I want to tell you how much I love you

And I want to see it mirrored in your soul.


I sit here in front of you

Smile plastered on my face

Encouraging words falling out of my mouth

Listening to you talk about your dreams,

Dreams that have no place for me

And still…

I want you

Travelling through time

I found this in my drafts from December 2010, I can’t remember what was happening in my world at the time but some things, years on, still resonate.

I want to lose myself in your streets,

walking through the bazaars

hawkers selling ful and felafel

the smell dancing on the breeze

dark eyes looking at me

smiles and whispered secrets

i’m so tempted to flirt back

Ah, the old people who have lived history

if only the language was not a barrier

maybe it’s not, their eyes tell me a story

let’s sit in this cafe and share a cup of tea,

we don’t need words when we are stitched together by humanity.

Back to the hotel, a glimpse of  reality

anxious to get out again and live

kohl rimmed eyes, wanting to imitate, wanting to belong

the belly dancers jingle beckons

simple food that tastes like manna

stolen glances, shy smiles, eyes concealed by black eyelashes, enticing curiosity

the first deep breath, double apple and mint,awakening your senses

the beat of the drum lifts you up, your body moves to the beat

closer, smoke and perfume, intoxicating,

the mind, heart and body duel, who will win?


I was browsing through my newsfeed and an article on fetal cells caught my eye. Basically, babies transfer cells to their mothers through the placenta ad these cells stay with the mother, and has lots of benefits like helping her fight disease. (Short version)

It got me thinking, God chose for me to not have kids.

I know that at the best of times, I’m skeptical about having them but it felt quite different thinking of it like that.

There was a part of me that became sad to think that maybe God, for whatever reason, doesn’t want me to have kids.

I’m a big believer in naseeb and taqdeer. That’s one of the things that come with not having a husband, no kids.

And this is Gods plan for me, Subhanallah.

I accept

I accept

That Him and I were not meant to be

In my waking moments, conscious


Deep inside

Every moment without


Feels like

My womb being ripped out with cold gnarly razor edged fingers, bloody

Never to be the same


Forever altered

I accept

That him and I were never meant to be

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