Today is a very dark day for me. I feel like I am in the pit of hell. My moral compass is broken, it’s been smashed to a million pieces as I war with myself on what the right thing is to do.
A few weeks ago a 15 year old called me up and wanted to meet up with me. Ive become so used to this in the youth work that I do that it was no big deal, i picked her up and we went to have a coffee. She is a good kid from what I know, she does relatively well at school, she is well behaved and doesnt seem to get herself into much trouble. It was general chit chat until the tears came, she broke the news that she was pregnant. To say that I almost fell of my chair is an understatement. I think all the blood drained from my face and I really didnt know what to say. I couldnt hold onto one of the million thoughts going through my mind. I did the only thing that I knew how to do at that moment, I hugged her and she sobbed like a baby. I had to give myself a stern talking to and pull myself together.
She doesn’t fit the profile. Things are not meant to be like this. She told me the story about how she got involved with this guy, it wasn’t meant to be like this and now she is going for a backyard abortion. I slipped into profesional mode and tried to talk her out of it, I gave her her options, I told her I will support her in anyway that i can, I told her we can tell her parents together. She refused to even take into consideration anything I said. The convincing and trying went on for a week until I realised there was nothing I was going to do to change her mind. She is 15, a baby really, about to kill her baby. I suspected that he had forced himself on her and eventually the story came out that she didnt know it was going to go that far and she said no, but it was too late. The deed was done and now she just wants this done also.
I have ben fighting this internal moral war about what I should do. I have given her the details of a proper clinic and I have gotten her a counsellor she can talk to before she goes ahead with it. Her parents will think she is at school, in the meantime she will be having an abortion and she will get herself home after that and pretend that nothing happened while she is bleeding and in pain.
I spent alot of quiet time last night thinking, arguing and fighting with myself. Do I let her do this on her own or do I forget my moral stand and go with her, hold her hand and make sure she gets home ok. I still didn’t know the answer this morning when I went to get her from school.
She is shaking, I know she is terrified and I still feel like I want to shake her and scream that this is murder and she cant. I say nothing but I take her cold shaking hand into mine and we drive on to the clinic. They are all so nice and all I want to do is vomit. She holds onto me for dear life, im reminded that she is a child, she is a baby and my heart just breaks. Its a physical pain that rips me to shreds.
I wait outside and feel like a hypocrite because Im praying while I am a conspirator of this forbidden act. They allow me in and I walk in with a smile on my face, she is groggy, too groggy to know what is going on. It’s better this way. I talk to the doctor and take her prescription, I go and fill it and come back. She is awake.
They allow us to leave, and we get into the car, I know she is in pain. I think its good that she has pain killers, maybe she just needs to be numbed from everything for a few days.
It’s early and a couple of hours before school would be out, I ring her mum and say im calling from school and she is quite ill and can I bring her home. No problem. We drive home and I tell her everything she wants and needs to hear about how we all make mistakes and she needs to ask for forgiveness and Allah will forgive her and how important it is to not repeat mistakes and most importantly just how much I love her. I thought that when I said those words I would be lying but I realised that i wasn’t. I hate what has happened and I despise the act but I do love her. She is just like every other kid that I work with, I love them all and everyone deserves a second chance.
It’s still a dark day for me and it’s still going to take me abit of time to get over this but on the outside I will be strong and I will be there for her and I will love her so she can love herself.
Pray for me and pray for her.