It was your laughter that I heard first even before your face became clear. It was that special laugh when you throw your head back in abandon and makes everyone around you crack up.You took hold of my hand and pulled me just that inch closer, our shoulders touching. The conversation around us was lost to me, my attention was drawn inwards consumed with thoughts of you, my love for you. I was stuck building plans for our future. I didn’t want a big wedding but I know our parents would, so we would compromise. Maybe we could have it at a reception room in a hotel. Something small and intimate. Everything white, Yes! definatly everything white broken with the green leafs of the floral arrangements and bits of sparkling silver. It would be perfect. I glimpsed over the honeymoon and went straight to what life would be like with you. Waking every morning next to you, you’d wake up and smile at me. I’d get up and make your breakfast while you showered. We’d have breakfast together. I’d ask what you wanted for dinner, you’d ask what I’d do for the day. I’d kiss you goodbye. Sometimes I’d surprise you at work, bringing you lunch. We’d have dinner together. I’d make sure the table was elegantly set candles and all. We’d sit close watching TV and go to bed hand in hand. There’s that laugh of yours again, interupting my dreams. I laugh also, not knowing why. You’d be an amazing father. Days spent in playgrounds watching our kids, playing with them. You’d be the kind of dad that would be there for bathtime and bedtime stories. It makes me smile thinking about it. You notice and give me that questioning look. I shake my head, it’s nothing I say. Your head comes closer and you tell me that you love me.I want to say I love you too but there’s something interupting me, I hear something and the realisation hits. Im dreaming. I need to hold on, im fighting to keep you there, I can still see you, feel you, it’s fading. NO! NO! I need you to stay, it’ the only thing I have left of you. I can feel the tears coming and I want to ask you to come back soon. Im fighting to stay asleep. Im always fighting for you damnit! HELP ME!
I cant open my eye’s. I don’t want to. I feel the tears on my cheek. The only proof that you were there. Im warring with myself begging for sleep so that for one more moment I can feel you next to me. My body betrays me like life betrayed you.