I don’t know

I find love amazing. I was thinking back at my own checkered past and the time’s I’ve fallen in love and I realised that I’ve fallen in love alot actually. There were some loves that were deeper than others and there was one love that was everything. I find it hard to say that that one was real real love, as a friend said to me. They were all real, I felt them all, even the one’s that lasted for a week some that lasted for a moment.

I was a mediator between a couple. They were having some problems that resulted in them both saying I can’t do this! This is never going to work and I dont care was pretty much both their attitude. When they first told me about it, my body temperature dropped and I had goosebumps. I couldn’t help the reaction, I couldn’t help being scared. I cant describe what it felt like, dread, yes I think that was the word.

We sat for hours last night talking things through, hearing both side’s, looking for solutions to issues to try and make this work. From my perspective, the solutions were simple. The problems which were so great were actually not even real problems. They were the things that to me was expected in a marriage. Things I know I would have to do if I decided to be married and yet these two people are talking of breaking up over it.

I know that they love each other. They love each other alot. It’s “real” love. But the thing is, is love enough?

All the answers from so much happening around me tells me it’s not. But it’s not just about love.  So many of the young couples around me, married or unmarried are so selfish. The attitude is just me, me, me, ME! I want what I want and I want it now. There is so little compromise. The compromise is often not even that hard. It’s not even major compromise like giving up something thats really really important to you. It’s about such little inconsequential things. I wonder what my friend and a few other couples I knew would do if they had a huge problem like finance! They’d be divorced in a second.

There are just so many failing marriages around me. I get the one’s where a husband is beating this women to an inch of her life and I get the one’s where the wife has an affair and the one’s where a husband decides he wants a second wife. I get those. Logically they make sense to me.

But the one’s that end because he doesn’t give me enough attention and doesn’t listen to me and she nags me day in and day out, the one’s that end and the two people cannot even give you a logical answer to why they couldnt make their marriage work, I don’t get.

When I was younger and I would hear my mum and just older people say that us young people don’t know how to compromise and that they don’t make them like they used to in regards to marriage, I would turn around and say it was because people weren’t given the option of divorce back in the day. You made your bed and lied on it even if it killed you and you were unhappy and I insisted that was why divorce rates were so low then. Even now, Im sure there must be abit of truth in that. It’s just that now I admire those people that did stick with it, when they were fed up and annoyed and hurt by their partner but still gave it a go and stayed with it. I can see the reward in really trying instead of giving up at the very first hurdle.

I must admit that it makes me wonder if this will be me if I decide to get married. Will I be one of these people who gives up at the first sign of trouble, wil I be so immature and want only what I want at any cost, will I be such a demanding bitch who turns nasty the minute things don’t go my way???

I’m just not sure! my immediate answer is No, of course not but I just don’t know. In my mind I want to be the kind of partner my mum is to my dad. I want to respect him above all, I want to put him first, before everyone else and before myself. I want to share my dreams with him and my goals and hear him share his. I want to help him achieve them. I don’t want to be a nagging wife, although sometimes I’m sure I will but I hope that we can always communicate what we want. I want to be able t have long conversations with him about most things and I want to be able to agree to disagree on them. I want him to have his own interests that I think are boring while he leaves me to do something he thinks is a waste of time. I want to be able to tell my mum how wonderful he is and I want my dad to have that pleased look on his face when he sees us together to know that we are happy. I want to take his mum shopping and get her to teach me how to cook his favourite foods and I want to spoil his dad and have family picnics with both our families. I want to fight with him about things we both passionate about but I want to have great make up sex. I want to take time out from our crazy kids and have romantic nights out. I want to wake him up for fajr prayer and follow his sleepy voice lead the prayer for our family. I want to be on the same page when we discipline our kids and I want to gently remind him that Islam’s rules are for both boys and girls when he decides our daughter needs to come home earlier than our son. I want to take a crazy holiday with him when the kids are grown up and kinda settled, cos kids never really settle, and just have a blast and remind each other of the carefree days before kids and responsibility where we cared only for what each other wanted. I want lots of kisses and I want to give lots of love. I want to wait for him to come home before the family can sit down to dinner and make sure we all have family time over the dinner table even if it means the kids are trying to kill each other in the process. I want him to turn to me when he needs support, I want him to find an intelligent wise wife in me that he can rely on. I want him to be my strength and I want to be able to cry in his arms just because I feel like it. I want him to be kind but I want him to be strong. I want him to laugh at my very stupid jokes just to make me happy and I want to stand back and smile while everyone around us appreciates his wit.These are just some of the things that I want but I ask myself if im just being deluded?

Are these just fantasies of the happily ever after we kinda buy into but in actual reality doesn’t exist, can’t exist?  Then I look at my parents and in them I see all of these things and theirs is the happiness I’ve bought into. I just don’t know if I’ll find the kind of person who I can create that with. What my parents have, didn’t come easy and I know that and I know i’d have to work at it and I know Im willing to but Im just not sure if that will be enough.

I’m over divorce! I’m over the way it freaks me out and makes me run in the other direction but I want everything I just listed and more. I don’t know.

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3 thoughts on “I don’t know

  1. Ok firstly, props for the snow effect thingy going on…looks so cool!

    Secondly, BRILLIANT post…I want everything you just listed…although I wouldn’t put him or me first…I’ve seen my cousin put him first at the expense of herself and her own life and she ended up resenting him. Instead, I’d want to put “our ” relationship first…as a priority.

    Honestly, love doesnt seem like enough. The biggest problem with people today is that they dont know how to respect one another. Its only when you have respect can you really compromise, communicate, trust, revere, be honest, loyal, caring, self-less…and everything else that forms the very foundation of a relationship.

    Communication is key though…but its only successful with respect.

    Love is the cherry on the cherry on the cake…a bonus that comes with having all these other things.

    It makes me sad to think that it’s so difficult to find people who share the same values and priorities. You’re right, everything is about..and I quote from Hook “ME, ME, ME, ME, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW”…its terrible.

    I hate this sense of entitlement that most people have today. Its makes them selfish assholes that have no compassion or consideration for anyone but themselves! They shouldn’t bother getting married at all and just marry themselves then…and leave those who want to share their lives with others alone…then maybe those of us who’d also want to share and compromise may actually find some decent partners.

  2. i dont think love is the cherry on the cake, or that love is a small part of it, i think love is the be all and end all of everything in marriage. just think about it, with true love you have compromise, patience, forgiveness as well as selflessness. also divorce isnt such a bad thing, many a horrible situation has been saved by divorce, you need to see divorce for what it is rather than letting a fear of it fuel your feelings for not wanting to get married, it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all right? and i agree all those things that you want in your marriage, no one is going to stop you from having them except for yourself, if you want something that bad then like you said you have to work for it but having said that i notcied you didn’t mention anything about sharing the bad times because they are just as important as the good. and anyways you will never really know if you’ve found the ‘right’ person until you give it a go. don’t be fueled by fear, its called low achievement motivation, and in the end you’ll just feel crap, rather you should be fueled by the goal of wanting to have an awesome married life. 🙂
    xoxo

  3. Azra- you so right about the selfish assholes who think the world owes them something. Respect certainly counts for more than love does in my book.

    EE- I’m not afraid to get hurt- I’ve been there and I’ve gotten through. I mean I want to avoid it at all costs but some things are worth the risk. With something like love, no matter how great it is, it’s very hard to do on your own. You can love someone despite them not loving you but it can only go on for so long before you cant anymore. So I don’t think its always about the person giving up fear and making it happen. It takes two to tango. And if the right person comes along to tango with, bring it on

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