Dear Diary, today…..

I would like to put it out there that if I ever fell pregnant and was one of those unfortunate woman to suffer with morning sickness, I might have to well, die actually. Out of nowhere this morning I got enveloped in this wave of nausea. It was powerful enough to make me reach out and grab something to steady me. Im not pregnant, I hadn’t eaten anything and as far as I knew I wasn’t really sick either. It’s a few hours on and the nausea continues and I will have you all know Im about ready to shoot myself. Im having conversations in my head, begging myself  to vomit just so this pain can be over. Im silently begging my body to expunge whatever it is that is causing this most digusting feeling!

Maybe I should just talk about something else and not concentrate on this disgusting feeling whirling around inside of me, causing me to occasionally break out into a cold sweat!

The weekend was exhausting- I left work at 5 on saturday and went straight to the fundraiser where I ran around like  a headless chook helping out and making sure things were running smoothly.  I  made the mistake of wearing heels so I deserve the intense pain in my feet, the entire Sunday. On Sunday, our youth organisation had a picnic/BBQ for Eid which was nice. The weather though did us no favours, it was 35 degrees and the Sun was just annoying.

I was sitting on the grass talking to one of the guys and like most people our age, the topic turned to marriage.He has just recently started seeing someone who I know and we were talking about how things were going. He in turn asked me what was happening with me and I told him that nothing really was happening. We went on to talk about marriage and we were both talking about not really being sold on the idea. I have my ups and downs on the marriage thoughts. Sometimes I think I want to be married and be in a relationship but for most parts I don’t.

I found him to be that little bit more anti marriage than I was and yet he was about to embark on a relationship and told me he saw the potential of things being serious. I didn’t quite get that. He is Muslim, like me and so the natural conclusion to this is marriage. It is what both families will be expecting and certainly what she will be expecting and I said this to him. He told me he didnt feel like he should be pressured into it and that if thats what he evenntually decided then thats what he would do but he doesnt just want to be engaged or married just so he could see her.

I told him he needs to tell her that. I just think it would be unfair to mislead her into expecting an engagement soon. He said he would and I realised that she is going to be very disapointed when he does say this. I hope things work out for them. I sat there hoping he wouldnt be so negative about marriage and yet my views weren’t that different.

I wonder if milkless earl grey tea will help me???

My friend, M, and I went to dinner with this guy from the Australian Federal Police yesterday. It was interesting to hear his thoughts on things and see the way he operates. He is so smooth and I understand it’s his job to be like that but it also makes me abit wary. All in all he was a nice guy and we both couldn’t help walking away thinking, we need more Muslim guys like him in Perth. Muslim guys that are trying to make a difference and that are thinkers and go getters. Trying to achieve something.

When we got home I don’t know what made me think of my age and I realised in a couple of months I’ll be 27. I want 27 to be a huge birthday. I want to remember it when Im old. I felt my age even though I didn’t know what 27 should really feel like. Weird? Yeh I know. I think I just felt tired of constantly doing something, constantly thinking of things and thinking of whats next. I felt abit tired of responsibility and I felt like life was just rushing ahead. I didn’t want the minutes to just fly by me without me grasping it. I didn’t want my parents and friends words to come true. I realised I didn’t want to wake up in 20 years time and ask what happened to MY life while I was busy trying to save someone else’s. At the same time that I thought that I knew that in the morning I would wake up and that selfish moment of Me would pass and as I aged with the night, morning did bring the conviction that the way I spend my time is the right way. Helping other people is what my life’s purpose should be. It is where I derive the most happiness. It’s where my heart truly is. But have no doubt, 27 is going to be more memorable than any other birthday Insha Allah. Im going to celebrate my day and Im going to Celebrate ME and who I am and who I’ve become. Im going to remember every teacher who said I would be a failure and that I would amount to nothing and I will celebrate my every achievement. I’ll do it just for me. Yes, that’s what is happening on my 27th birthday 🙂

I think the earl grey is helping abit,maybe it’s the writing that’s releasing the poison. Perhaps.

This reminds me of a Dear Diary entry. Thats what I’ll call it.

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One thought on “Dear Diary, today…..

  1. Hey 🙂 I’ll be 27 in a couple of months too…and I share the whole marriage sentiment, one minute I do, the next I’m scared shitless…but I’m not entirely anti-marriage.

    I do however hate being led on. I hope he told her and that she wasn’t too disappointed. Most men are like that…they dont want to hurt the girls feelings and as a result end up giving her hope or making her believe that there is more to their relationship than there actually is…and he eventually ends up hurting her more than he would have if he was just honest with her!!!…makes me angry.

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