Awakening

God, the craziness of Xmas. It’s almost like the world is coming to an end. I got to work at 8 this morning and the parking lot was crazy. There’s trolleys, screaming children and angry adults all over the place. Aaaahhhh, you have to love that Xmas cheer..NOT

A customer/friend came to have a tea with me this morning just to catch up. It was a chance to go over the year I guess, rehashing the ups and downs. It was awesome. Just as he walked out, HE walked in.

I don’t know why but he tends to do that. Every now and again he comes back into my life, unasked, uninvited, he just walks in when it suits him. The last time he did, months ago, I realised that he does it when he is either bored or lonely but it’s always to his convenience. It’s all about him. But even with that realisation I was still friendly, happy tht he was there, excited and giddy. Yeh, I was giddy.

Today though, I wondered why he had come because the last time that we met, I ignored him. I was strong and it killed me to ignore him but I did.  When I saw him, I grew scared because I know how he makes me melt. I didn’t want to melt but I found myself sinking into the same behaviour I didn’t want to. He manages to have that effect on me. I tried to be normal, to not engage too much, to make it known I wasn’t affected but I know he knows. I know he can read me. Do we give people this power over us when we love them? Did I give him this power over me?

Yes, I did.

He didn’t have a purpose for being here, he really was bored and it’s been awhile, he needs someone to give his ego a boost? Perhaps that’s what it’s about. Perhaps that’s what it’s always been about. No, I won’t go down this road.

We start to talk about a matter in the community, something this Imam said. We got into a full blown argument over it and as I was listening to what he had to say it dawned on me that I could never have spent my life with someone who thought this way. Never! It was almost as if someone was lifting the veil and for the first time I have seen him for who he is and I’ve realised just how different we are. We come from different worlds, worlds that cannot be bridged. It was amazing to have this insight, to see him in this light. Nothing else mattered after that. He even insulted me, disguised of course) and it did not matter. The sting that would have normally come, didn’t.

Lil Amalia came in with her dad Chris to give me Xmas present while he was here and as they were eventually leaving Chris asks me if he can kiss me on my cheek and I can tell you now that in normal circumstances if HE was there, I would have said No, because I know he wouldn’t like it but today I did what I would do anyway and said of course. I saw the look on his face, I saw the disapproving look. I saw that he saw it too, that we were not meant to be together. We are not meant for each other and I realise now what I guess I knew all the time. I wanted his love so bad that I became someone else for him, when he was there I became who I thought he wanted me to be. I was only fooling myself because I’m sure he wasn’t convinced either.

This is not meant to be me, I’m someone who s comfortable in her own skin. It’s going to take sometime to find out why I let myself do this. Why did I need his love and acceptance so desperately that I changed who I was to make him happy. For now, I’m grateful it’s over.

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4 thoughts on “Awakening

  1. glad to know that you know you don’t need to change who you are to fit someone else. its sad when we change or try to change others to suite us.

    Good Luck and have a bril holiday.

  2. I’ve learned a while ago that I can only ever be me.

    So when HE decided to get married to someone else, my ego was bruised but I refused to let him think he got to me. I can relate to the “Awakening”. Barely 4 months later, having seen them just last week, I can see why he chose her…she fits right in with his santimonious family. I was always way out of his league.

    I was not made for mediocrity…I have too much passion for that. The realisation that I was more than he could ever be was liberating because it meant that there was nothing “wrong” with me…it was just that he was not man enough for me and I dont want a pansy anyway 🙂

    Congrats on your liberation and emotional emancipation 😀

  3. Zk- It’s a good realisation. Are you heading to durbs? Have a safe one and my slmz to all

    Azra- That is exactly the way I felt- It was just this realisation of I am too good for you. I deserve better than you and it was wicked. You are always an inspiration. Here Here to the emotional emancipation.

  4. “I don’t know why but he tends to do that. Every now and again he comes back into my life, unasked, uninvited, he just walks in when it suits him.”

    My first and last ex joined in a chat conversation with me last night. blowing horns about his marriage to be and on the side telling me how it matters to him that i am happy.. i told him he doesnt have to care so much cuz i really dont care about him in terms of any relationship. he went on and on and on. i even saved the chat cuz i have never been so mad at anyone all my life and last night i said it bluntly. i told him that i had never met a half man like him and i never wanted to again. and he bitterly disgusted me and if he were the last man on earth even then i would not chose to be acquainted with him. i dunno if i did right but it felt really good. after so many days it actually felt good.

    p.s. he tried to send me his fiance’s pic and asked for comments which i said i dont wanna give, and obviously the comment was ‘oh so you are jealous’… well then i had to be ultra mean in that context. ‘I think she just has a pretty face and she prettily will fit into your pretty family where i would really have been a misfit, good riddens, thank God i am not her’… and that was the last and final nasty word i had with him!

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