My anger is blinding me. I can’t see straight, this film of red drops over my dilated pupils. It’s not good when I get this way. My mind is telling me to calm down- to control myself. I can’t. I feel like vomiting. I do. I purge myself of all the bile rising in me. I feel like a caged lion- I feel helpless and useless and sad and angry and disgusted and helpless. I feel like I’m letting myself down by not doing more. I’m warring with myself. I should be doing more for Gaza, I don’t know what to do.
7 days ago when Israel started to bomb Gaza, I was Ok. I tried to look at the situation objectively and tried to keep perspective and I managed for abit. I cant anymore. My heart bleeds with the loss of life. My body pains for their suffering. My mind collapses thinking of their struggle.
I went to take groceries and food for a woman in the community last night. I walked into her home and the stench almost knocked me over. Worse than that was the state she was in. She was almost catatonic. She refused to eat. She said she wasn’t hungry but I could see that she hadn’t eaten in days and was surviving on tea and coffee. I cleaned out her fridge and cleaned the house and packed everything away. I made her another cup of tea and a sandwich and I insisted she eat with me. That it was bad manners not to and old breeding kicked in. In a way she snapped out of it. We talked abit and she told me she is sad. She is mentally ill and I know this. Her sadness is a depression that she slips into every now and again which requires her to be put into a mental asylum. The trigger- GAZA. Her parents were forced out of their homes to live in the Gaza strip and then were lucky to leave and come to Australia. She left as a child, and I’m not sure what memories she retains but the images she saw on TV upset her. She tells me that’s what they did to her parents who are now dead. It’s a reminder for me for just how long this bloody war has been going on. I left later in the evening with the promise to return today with the hope in my heart that she will be OK and that she won’t have to be admitted again.
I don’t care only about Muslim suffering, I care about all suffering. Palestine’s ongoing conflict has held a special place in my heart though- It is the Al- Aqsa that draws me in. These people are the protectors of the Al-Aqsa. They do the job of all muslims in protecting it. These are people who have sacrificed so much. Palestine is the greatest genocide that is witnessed in silence.
The world at one point decided that what was happening in South Africa was unacceptable and the world decided to take action. The international pressure and outcry led the people of South Africa to be free of apartheid. Where is the world now, where has the world been for the last 40 odd years? Where was I? Yesterday was a hard day in that I had to sit and figure out what I stand for and forget what’s appropriate and what’s not. I had to look at my life and see what I could do for the people of Gaza and I had to forget about playing it safe. The time for safe has passed.
When I give charity, I always make sure I have enough for the mortgage and enough for a rainy day and enough for this and that and I give with reservation. Yesterday,it hit me that that reservation is worth nothing when people who are less fortunate can benefit from it. Yesterday I realised that my voice in speaking out, is too soft. I sat back and didn’t write one letter to politicians telling them that as an Australian I am ashamed of them for not doing more for Gaza, for not shaming Israel, for not putting the pressue on Egypt to open up it’s borders, that the paltry $5 million they sent to GAZA, Sydney burnt in fireworks on New year Eve and that it’s an insult to send such a ridiculous amount. I know these politicians, I’ve sat across them, I’ve worked with some, advised others through committies and yet I wasn’t telling them what was the most important thing there was to say. HELP GAZA NOW!!!
I watch life go by as normal- I came to work, chatted to other tenants, customers, people wishing others the best for the new year, talking to friends and all the while my heart beats GAZA. It sounds overly dramatic even to my own ears. I keep reading updates of the situation online, I want to know what is going on. I read opinion pieces and some make me want to lash out and I comment spilling my rage, my fingers banging the keyboard. It’s not enough. I feel as if enough is enough and that I should be doing something more. What? Do you know what I should be doing?