I slept for 5 hours
only duty forced me to wake.
I want to drown out the voices, I want to sleep away the feelings
The stories interrupt my sleep and mingle with my dreams
The shriek pierces my mind and I find my eyes wide open, tear drops falling
STOP DADDY! STOP, it still echo’s and I see her body tremble and her eyes glaze over.
32 girls all with stories of trauma, 5 days at a camp
I am exhausted, physically everything hurts, mentally I’m drained like a slaughtered sheep,
Emotionally- Im blank and yet the pain cuts through
In 5 days, I’ve heard how fathers have raped their daughters, how parents beat their kids up, I’ve seen the broken nose, a gift from a drunk mother, young girls reduced to stealing to feed younger brothers and sisters, a 14 year old whose had two abortions, a mother who is trying to prostitute her daughter so she can supprt her drug habit, to see a girl bolt at the sound of a crash because it was a trigger to the war zone she comes from.
That’s just some of it.
To maintain the smile on my face, to hold and comfort, to give positive advise, to counsel, to shower love and acceptance, to give hope has taken everything I had.
Now that it’s over, I know I need to do some personal healing, I need to cleanse their pain from my soul and I don’t know how. I know I need to walk away but I can’t. There is one girl that is going to break me. I’m taking the case home and I know I shouldn’t. My mind knows that I can’t and yet I find myself taking it on. I told another case worker to not get so involved- to maintain enough professional distance and yet here I find myself in the same position.
I’m going to go back to sleep. I must drown out the pain.