I feel drained, exhausted and over all just over it but I’m forcing myself to be upbeat an jovial. I think if I let myself slip into the darkness it will take a long time for me to come out of it.
I feel like I’m surrounded by craziness, from run away teens, to suicide teens, to broken heart teens, to delinquent teens facing juvi, to crazy parents who should never have been allowed to procreate. It’s all just CRAZY. My family will always choose the worst time’s, like this, to have their own drama’s where everyone wants to kill everyone else and they all think I should do something about it.
I feel like I have to always be responsible. It’s as if all of a sudden I’ve become crisis hotline and everyone needs me to do something for them. I know that I can say No, but can I? How does one say No, when someone is in need and they trust that you can help them and chances are that you can. You don’t say No, you just do what you need to.
The one thing that keeps playing on my mind the entire week is that I would do things differently if I was a parent. I wonder if we all think that and the reality is different. I know that I don’t want my own kids but I also know the need for foster care out there especially in the Muslim community and I know that I want to be one of those. I know that I have what it takes to help those kids in need.
In my mind, I note down all the things that I think these parents are doing wrong and I want to not do the same things. I want to raise boys to be men. Men that honour women. Men that know that hard work is the only way to achieve your goals. Men who are firm in their belief and faith. Men who don’t think helping out in the house is beneath them. Men who don’t need to use their fists to make them feel like a man. Men who realise that they need to take care of the women in their lives ( Yes, I believe they should) but realise that it doesn’t make them superior. Men who know that crying doesn’t make them weak and that showing love and affection is important. I want to be able to give love with discipline and understanding to these kids.
As for the girls….ahhh raising girls is difficult. I want to raise Women who are secure and confident with who they are and how they look. I believe that confidence can be built by the way we raise them. Women who know their worth and who recognise their abilities. Women who don’t need a man just to feel loved and worth something. Women who dare to dream and work hard for those dreams. Women who are strong yet soft. Women who can love and forgive and overlook without compromising themselves. Women who recognise that men and women are different and have different roles but none are superior to the other.
I wonder though, if I have the skills to raise kids in that manner because the reality is, that I know it’s never that simple and that being a parent takes hard work. I do pray though, that I will have what it takes to take in as many children as possible and that I can and that I will try and teach each one of them even one thing that makes them a better human. The one thing that I have realised in the last week is that I have much love to give to these kids, to these teens with all of their problems. That makes me happy and keeps me sane. This is the selfish part, where it becomes about me. The fact that they will ring me when they are in need makes me feel good. It makes me feel good because it means that they trust me firstly and secondly that they feel there is someone they can rely on.
But, there is also a responsibility that comes with that trust. I need to be the best human that I can be so that I have something to give them. It’s no use me telling them what to do when I can’t lead by example. That is the challenge for me.