Human connections are very important to me. The way I connect with a person defines the relationship I’m going to have with them. It has nothing to do with what they say or do but just based purely on instinct and my internal reaction to them. I learnt a long time ago though that I need to trust that instinct. Every now and again though everything else tells you your instincts are wrong and so you ignore them and then it comes back to bite you in the ass. Ha! you deserved that for not listening, the voice in my head says and Yes, I might be slightly insane.
There was a point to this which I’ve since forgotten. I realised something yesterday. It was quite profound for me and quite unexpected. I have a dream, rather an image in my mind of what I would like marriage and raising kids to be and I think that it’s not possible to have it that way and so I’m not willing to settle.
Perhaps that sounds very rigid and narrow minded so I better explain- It’s not that I have a list that I need to check off or anything but I guess we need to see the future through the same lens. I also understand that things can never be exactly what you have in your mind and that’s A-Ok with me. I know one needs to compromise and I’m all for it, I know it takes hard work, I know it takes sacrifice. These are all things I know and am happy to do them.
I was chatting to Mash yesterday and telling him about my Utopia, and it hit me that I do want the marriage and I do want the Kids. It kinda took my breath away because I have been over that ages ago. I want it if I can get as close to My Utopia as possible. At risk fo sounding like a stubborn child, I won’t have it any other way. I’ll be happier single.
Later I was making samoosa’s with mum and I tried to explain this to her and I really was expecting an ear bashing but she actually understood what I meant. I did have to do alot of explaining but she got it That for me was the ultimate, my mum got what I meant about marriage and relationships. It was an emotional moment. She then proceeded to become my mum again and said “find him while I still have all my teeth” 🙂
I promise that if I meet anyone with the same visions of the future as me, I will not hesitate, I will not look for excuses, I will do whatever it takes from my side to make it happen. Please remind me if I forget 🙂