There’s so much going on in my head and my mind, so many emotions floating around and I feel like I want to just crawl into bed, shut the door on everything and sleep myself into another world.
When I was younger my solution to feelings like this was to smoke weed. It made me sufficiently numb and happy enough to forget all the sadness.
It makes me realise just how unstable I actually am under this facade of being able to cope.
A client that I have been dealing with for about 3 years now was run over by a truck on friday night and I only found out yesterday. I don’t know how to react to that. Im shocked that this happened, I think im also surprised at just how much that news affects me.
Im angry, I feel guilty, Im saddened and at times I don’t believe it’s true.
I woke up yesterday morning and put food aside for her, intending to drop it off that night and then yesterday afternoon I got the call. I can’t help thinking that while I was catching up with friends over dinner Jeanette was being run over by a truck. Im torturing myself with these thoughts and as much as im trying to be normal and in a way put it out of my mind, I can’t.
I replay in my mind everytime that she called me in the middle of the night and I was annoyed, the early days when I refused to answer her calls after hours, everytime she asked me to buy her cigarettes and I didn’t. It keeps going over and over in my mind and I want to do it all over again. There is this part of me that is rational and knows whats expected of me and what I was supposed to do for her as a client but maybe as a human being I didn’t do enough.
Maybe as a human being I shouldn’t have passed her on to crisis care because it was easier, maybe I should have not just said whatever it took to comfort her and then put the phone down, maybe as a human being I should have seen all the trust she put in me to help her and I should have done more than what I did.
It sounds like I’m beating myself up about this and a part of me is. Another part of me wants to tell myself that im a good person and I did what I could.
It’s not only about Jeanette but it’s about all the people who I work with. How hard is it really to just give abit more. Maybe if I worry less about me, because lets face it, I have it pretty cruisy, and give to them a little bit more, I’ll have done the right thing by them and in turn by myself.
I cannot stop thinking of her, her crooked smile is at the front of my mind as I move through my day, I see her childlike drawings all over her house, I can almost feel her hand gripping mine when we go somewhere she isn’t comfortable.
Jeanette and people like her are so so special. I dont think I’d ever understand mental illness. I don’t think I could ever put myself in her shoes and understand what it was like for her everyday of her life.
Tonight I’ll go and get her mother from the airport, and after the post mortem we will bury her. I pray that Allah gives to her in the next world the peace she never had in this world. May every door of Jannah welcome her and her friend Michael who passed away with her. I ask you all to say a very special dua for them.